The Third Baby...our second loss

..and a second chance.

I had a bad reaction to the loss of our first child. I was mad and angry with God. He knew how long we'd been trying to conceive. He knew how much we wanted that baby. But he said wait. And I was furious! So that's why I see this as a second chance. A second chance to react. A second chance to be thankful for the conception and birth of Addie. A second chance to be thankful for the conception of these twins. A second chance to hope and a second chance to grieve.

I lay awake a long time last night. I've thrown up for 3 days straight, so I decided to take a pain pill before bed in an attempt to calm my entire body down. It worked. No nausea. No gagging. Relatively little discomfort. Lots of time to think. I guess when you've slept 5 hours during the day for the past three days, sleep doesn't come as quickly.

So I lay there thinking about a lot of things. I finally had time to think about this precious third baby that we found out we had one minute and lost the next. It's been a little overshadowed by my surgery, the twins survival, and our wild and loving child. So in my reflective state, I decided I pretty much had a 4 step reaction to this; and the first two were in matter of seconds!

1. Disbelief. triplets. oh. my. word. we could have had THREE babies all at once. three car seats. three baby beds. they don't make good triplet strollers. i've looked. and I only have two arms! oh. my. word.
2. Devastation. We know that life begins at conception. We are adamantly against abortion and even selective reduction. I don't consider what we did an abortion or selective reduction. We didn't really have a choice here. Our third baby was already gone before the surgery. I guess I see the surgery as a necessity for me to continue living. I was given 2 hours to live without it. But this baby was very much alive at one point. It may not have been as big as our other two, but I'm certain it had a beating heart, fingers and toes, and tried hard to wiggle around. I don't believe that we made the choice to take this baby. I believe God did. He gives and He takes away. I don't have to understand it; I just have to make the choice to accept it. But it's a grief process none the less, because in all reality, we just lost a second baby.
3. Reflection: What are you doing to me and where were the warning signs? I tried really hard to come up with a one word reaction here. It didn't happen. I've had so many people question why my doctors and nurses didn't find this. Why didn't they even bother to look at my tubes? Well...because until that Friday night, there were no warning signs. I had two healthy babies in my uterus. I mean, I had a pulling pain here and there; but nothing extreme. It could all be explained away with ligament stretching or babies growing. My only hint was that my morning sickness was getting worse. We'd spent the weekend before at the beach with my dad and his wife. From the time we arrived Friday until we left Sunday, there was a marked difference in how I felt. I think they even noticed. I spent all day that Monday in the bed; but after that, I seemed to recover...until Friday night! It's hard for me to comprehend that this baby almost took my life. I'm not angry about it. I'm more thankful to God for saving my life and the twins than anything. Amazing miracles. I don't blame my doctors and nurses for not looking for it. They had no reason to. But at the same time, I keep looking back trying to find warning sign...and there really were none.
   
4. Relief. This may sound strange, but it's where I am right now. I don't know if this baby suffered. I firmly believe that babies can sense and feel things in utero. You should see ours reacting to the pressure of an ultrasound on my belly at a mere 11 weeks! Amazing! I pray this baby didn't suffer. I hope whatever happened, happened instantly. I think it probably did, given how quickly I got so violently ill. The pressure or force of the rupture nicked an artery that runs close to the fallopian tubes. That's why I bled so quickly and so much. But back to my point here. How could I feel relief? Because I know where this baby is now. He's in heaven, with our first child we lost. It took me a long time to get to this point with our first child. They've both been made perfect, escaping the imperfections of this world in which we live. Part of me considers him blessed. But that doesn't stop the sadness that I certainly still feel having never had the privilege to meet him. Yes, him. But I will one day, and I can't wait!
   

So these are my thoughts. Deep or shallow, here they are. I think it's fair to say that I deserved a little time to process all of this, given the circumstances. I won't say I'm ready to talk about it, but at least I'm processing it. I don't know why any of this happened. But I don't consider it a mystery. I don't necessarily understand it, but I consider it part of God's amazing plan for our lives. He's known this from the start. He's got it all under control. And I can't help but find comfort instead of confusion in that!

Moses answered the people, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today ... the LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still" Exodus 14:13-14

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 2 Corinthians 2: 3-4

#Quick Update 2#

My friend Mandy (who, by the way, carted both girls back and forth to MMO yesterday in the rain! thank you so much!!!) recently updated her blog with a quick list of what has been happening in their lives. It was short, succinct, to the point and way easy to read!

So here's my much wordier attempt at that:

1. Food is not my friend. After an entire day of trying to find me something to eat because I lost my dinner last night, my aunt finally boiled some red potatoes, peeled them, and mashed them with butter and salt. They are gone. I then made the mistake of making the yummiest milk shake with fresh strawberries this afternoon. It did not stay down. :/ My new staples: eggs, cheese toast, mashed potatoes, and chicken broth from cans of chicken and stars soup. Whatever works, right?
2. My aunt, my mom's sister, otherwise known around here as Nana, is amazing. She met us here last Wednesday when we got home from the hospital in TN. In her words, we were in bad shape. She gave my mom a break. She stayed with my mom and worked like an I don't know what over here until Saturday morning, but I hardly knew she was here. She came back Tuesday to help me with Addie that afternoon and today. This time she came with a pot roast, turkey chili, spaghetti with whole wheat pasta, and twice baked potatoes...oh, and this corn bread that she supposedly "messed up" but tasted so yummy to me, and she's about to make more of it!!! She kept Addie for me this morning while I slept. She's done laundry and not dried what we don't dry. She's entertained a 19 month old and kept a very finicky pregnant woman semi-full. That last one is the biggest accomplishment of the week I believe. Thank you Nana for coming and quietly serving our family! We love you!
3. Addie knows that if she hits, it's straight to time-out. One warning, not two, will land her there. She gets frustrated. I'm ok with that. I get frustrated. I'm ok if she screams or cries a little, but if she hits one of us or an animal, it's time-out. So now she hits herself. She'll bop herself upside the back of the head when she's mad. So what do we do with that...?
4. Our dog, Abigail, is bad. She's counter surfed one too many times. She's taken food right out of Addie's hands one too many times. And she weaseled her way into getting two dinners last night, both complete with pumpkin (that's part of her diet)! Argh. We already have two kids, and we're adding two more. Help us!
5. Pregnancy isn't pretty. I got rid of the majority of the morning sickness I had after the surgery. We really think it had to do with the ectopic pregnancy putting so much pressure on my tube. But I'm still nauseous. I gag at the drop of a hat. At one point, I was taking eight pills (along with a prenatal vitamin, baby aspirin and my progesterone shot). I took only two this morning. That's an accomplishment. I hate taking so much, and I'm thankful I can cut it down so significantly already.
   
6. My incision is healing. It doesn't hurt half as much when I suddenly sneeze anymore.
   
7. God is good. All the time. We continue to thank Him for each new day! He always provides. Always protects. And we praise His name on the good days and the hard ones!

Happy Wednesday.

The Very Best Medicine

I was talking with a friend recently about how hard it is for me not to be able to care for Addie. The morning sickness sort of eased me into this, but at least I could pick her up then. No more.

Don't get me wrong...when I was in the hospital, Addie was in the best of care with my mom and Paul. A whole lotta love and consistency. That's what she needed then and that's exactly what she got!

Since we've been home, we've kept her with people she sees on at least a weekly basis: Mandy and Cady, DiDi, my mom, or with us. It's paid off. I felt selfish at first about it; but watching her turn back into our happy, fairly easy going, energetic little girl has been worth it! She's obeying more. She's throwing far fewer tantrums. She responds to us like she used to.

And for her resilience, I am grateful.

But it doesnt make it any easier that I can't bend over and pick her up. I can't sit on the edge of the tub and bathe her. I haven't changed a diaper in over a week, probably longer (ok, so I haven't missed that!). And worst of all, I cant go scoop her up out of the bed and cuddle with her.

But she's the very best medicine. She gets me up in the morning by running in and yelling Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Hi, Mommy! She demands to get Up! on the bed and then promptly demands to see my Owie! Owie! More owie! Then she blows on it? She hasn't had enough owies in her short life to know that you blow on them...but she does! Sweet thing. And then she promptly finds a way off the bed, sometimes landing on her bottom on the floor exclaiming, Whoa, Addie! (where'd she get that?)

I listened to her read herself a book tonight: Millie Moo. Baby jibber jabber followed by an elephant sound. Baby jibber jabber followed by a monkey sound. Baby jibber jabber followed by a bear sound. Baby jibber jabber followed by a fish sound. Baby jibber jabber followed by something I couldn't understand. Baby jibber jabber followed by Moooooooo! She's started reading an opposite book: up/down, young/old, short/long, day/night, awake/sleep, and wet/dry. My mom taught her that. I cannot lie. She came to the hospital reading it! I mean, clearly, I know she's not reading...but she is!

And it's hard because all I can do is watch. But I'm thankful. Because I can watch. And she can crawl up in my lap and wake me up in the morning. And she still has a mommy!

And for that, I am thankful. God is good. He keeps providing for our family over and over again. Financially. Care for me and Addie. Food and more food! Flexibility with Paul's job. We are so blessed and so thankful!

And besides Addie being the very best medicine, we have these little ones:

Who you can hardly see on these ultrasounds...but their heartbeats were perfect. Little hands rubbing a face. Wiggling like little fish. Legs kicking. Healthy. Little. Miracles!

And the incision no longer matters. And the fact that I hate food right now doesn't matter. And not being able to hold Addie no longer matters. Because all of that is temporary.

But our family will forever be the very best medicine!

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A few quick praises and prayer requests:

• Praise! My staples are out! I feel so much...more flexible? I don't know. They were holding me together pretty tightly, so I can move (and sleep) easier! Now I'm being held together by tape...reassuring, huh? (oh, and the 2 layer of sutures under the skin!)
  
• Praise! Addie and Paul both seem to be adjusting to this new normal, slowly but surely.
• Praise! For God's provisions! Period. All of them!
• Request: continued rest for all of us. This last week took it flat out of our family. God has provided me with a lot of rest, but Paul really needs some down time. Pray that he will have some in the next few days!
• Request: continued health of the twins. They look fabulous right now, but we are all too aware of the possibilities of problems due to my emergency or just for twins in general. Please pray for full term, healthy babies!

Thank you all again for your sweet words of encouragement and many prayers! God has used each one of you in mighty ways to minister to our family in one way or another! Thank you for being His hands and a feet! Have a wonderful week!

H1N1

Given our most recent blog posts, this one probably seems somewhat out of the ordinary. I can assure you that it's not. This is something that has been on my mind for months now. What to do? Do I take the vaccine as a pregnant women? Do we chose to give it to Addie? What are the risks of the illness vs the risks of the vaccine?

I'm not anti-vaccinations. I know the staggering statistics of how easily these deadly diseases will reappear if too many refuse to vaccinate their children. I'm not a vaccination delayer either. Addie's my first though, and watching the huge number of vaccines that they give to our children at one time, I may opt for an additional visit or two to the pediatrician in order to spread some of these out with our next two kiddos. But I'm not here to start a vaccination debate...

I can tell you that I 1.) am no medical professional, 2.) don't have an answer, and 3.) am not here to tell you what to do or not do!

But we've talked to several medical professionals about the H1N1 vaccine specifically: my fertility doctor, twice; my regular OB; and Addie's pediatrician.

One thing we know for sure is that we will not be taking for ourselves or giving Addie the nasal version of this vaccine, F1uMist, even though it does not contain thimerosal/mercury. The reason being: it's a live virus. All single dose versions of the vaccine, which are apparently the ones given to children, are thimerosal/mercury free. I just wish I could find one for myself!

Another thing we know: I don't have much of a choice as to whether I take it or not. I'm pregnant. Now I'm pregnant with twins. And on top of that, I'm pregnant after emergency surgery. So to some extent, my immune system has been challenged.

I've read a lot of articles on this. Some of them were just pointless and told me nothing concrete. But I finally linked to one from a blog written by a fellow mother, Safe Mama, that seems to make the most sense. It's from the New York Times and you can find it here. It is very matter of fact vs. using scare tactics. The thing I found the most interesting was the comparison it made to children dying from the seasonal flu (last year) to the current numbers of children who have died from the H1N1 flu.

We all hear about washing our hands and keeping them away from our eyes and mouth. My mother-in-law sent us a great email about preventative measures. I've found the link to the article here. It not only had those duh things in it but some good points that I sure hadn't thought about as well.

We haven't decided whether to give this one to Addie or not. But I've pretty much been told, I'll have it. I am waiting until the end of my first trimester, which is soon!

Again, I'm not here to preach or tell you what to do or not to do. I would LOVE to know what you have decided to do about the seasonal flu vaccine and/or the H1N1 vaccine for yourself or your children...and even what brought you to that decision!!!

Hope you have a great week! Ours has certainly started off better than last week! :)

A week later...

As it is growing closer to midnight, I have started to remember where we were last weekend, what was going through my mind, the things we had no idea were to come, but peace that God gave us.

And I am thankful...

I'm thankful that I'll be asleep at 4am instead of being pumped full of fluids and at 5:30am instead of having a CT scan on my abdomen, praying that God will protect our babies.

I'm thankful to know that our triplet is in heaven with our Father, the Greatest Physician, who chose to save his mother's life.

I'm thankful to have come through a surgery virtually unscathed. Walked through the fire and come out unburned. Sure. I've got an incision...but really, in the whole grand scheme of things...wow. God is so good.

I am thankful to be alive.

I'll be honest with you. I'm not ready to talk about our 3rd baby, the one we found out we had one minute and only seconds later that we had lost. Besides with Paul and maybe a close friend or two, I can't talk about it. We so appreciate your prayers and words of encouragement; but for me, I don't need to know how others are processing it right now. I know that sounds a little selfish, but it's just where I am. We're still so raw. It was our baby, mine and Paul's. We'll process it together. Slowly. In our time. In His time. Thank you for respecting that.

Bottom line, we now have 2 babies in heaven, 1 on earth, and 2 in my belly.

And I'm thankful for every. single. one.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior!
Isaiah 43: 2-3a

The Vessels...

...the Hands and Feet of Christ.

In addition to witnessing God's healing hand repeatedly over the past few days, we've witnessed a willingness by so many to be used by Him, for his goodness!

This is another one of those post that I'm writing for me to remember things that we experienced in those scary times. If you chose to read it, I hope it blesses you; if not, I hope you will continue to pray for our family and these precious men and women who served us!

When we arrived at this hospital, all that was going through my head (besides these people have got to get me better and fast!) was where on the earth are they taking me? We're in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee at the Fort Sanders Sevierville Medical Center. Where? I know. They rolled me into the ER, and I had not a clue what kind of care I would get! Would they have the proper equipment? Would they know how to fix me?

If the paramedics were any indication of the quality of care I was going to receive, then I was in good hands. Andrew and Aaron are cousins. Andrew was the one who couldn't find my pulse but didn't panic. He held my hand as I sat on the bathroom floor throwing up. He kept me talking even though I didn't want to. They put me in a medic chair to carry me up the stairs. Andrew carefully got me onto the gurney, started my IV, checked with the OB on an anti-nausea drug I could take. He stayed with me until the ER nurse could come in. And later that morning, he found Paul in the middle of my surgery, when he was all alone in the OR waiting room. He sat with Paul through my surgery and prayed with him. This complete stranger brought such comfort, allowing himself to be used as His hands.

My first ER nurse, Will, had more energy than Addie! He went 90 miles an hours. But he was the one who stayed after his shift had ended to get me ready for surgery. He changed my IV bag after IV bag (which was apparently a total of 8 before surgery, with one going in each arm). He pumped me full of anti-nausea medicine and antibiotics for surgery, just in case. He told me that he was ready for my fingers and toes to not be purple! He came and visited me in the ICU after my surgery.

Then there was Dr. H. He was my first ER doctor. He was so patient and gentle. He ordered the tests, consulted with several other doctors, including the next ER doctor on call and my doctor from home. He called in the team of doctors. He held my hand before they took me out of the ER to surgery. I could see tears in his eyes. He came to see me early the next morning in the ICU and brought me a personal note and a beautiful wooden angel.

Dr. B was the next ER doctor that came on. He has 7 children. He had this calming voice, reassuring yet realistic. He always winked at me when I'd glance over to get his reaction of what was going on. Paul asked him if I was going to be ok. Calmly but reasonable he replied, "Sir, we are going to do everything we can for her."

Dr. P is the Chief of Staff. I didn't find this out until later. He's also the best surgeon on the planet in my eyes. He's the one who demanded the 2nd surgical team come in to save my life. He's quick and sharp yet steady and calm. He's a surgeon. He drained my belly of blood, checked my stomach, intestines, kidneys and liver. He cut me open and sewed/stapled me back up.

Dr. P's brother is a CRNA (certified registered nurse anesthetist). He was in an emergency c-section, where Dr. P paged him, texted him, and called him (something he apparently never does all 3 of). He wanted him in the OR for me. He got him in there, and he watched my levels. He made sure the medicine they gave me would not harm my babies. He made sure I got through the surgery. He offered his home for Paul to come take a shower or stay in.

And then Dr. A. I really think she's an angel without wings. She stood by my bed and would talk gently to me. Giving me the possibilities of what she might have to do. Reminding me that I was in good hands. Carefully monitoring all of my babies, even the one that almost took my life. When she smiled, her eyes would light up. Before she did the ultrasound to check to see if the twins were even still alive, she prayed with us. She prayed for God's comfort, for His presence. And she rejoiced with us when we saw those kicking, wiggling, babies with amazing heartbeats. She prayed with us agian, thanking our amazing God for shielding these babies from harm.

Dot was the nurse in ultrasounds/radiation. She rubbed my feet and figured out how to prop my hips up without pain shooting through my body. She squeezed my hand and told me I was doing a good job. She called our babies little peanuts and marveled at how perfect they were! She came and visited me before I went into surgery, rubbing my back as I was getting sick. She came back to the ICU after my surgery, held my hand, and told me how happy she was for all of us! And she came to our room, the night before we were discharged, to wish us the best.

Denise was my ICU nurse. She is actually Andrew, the paramedics, wife. She finally found a pain med and dose that would ease my pain. She was so patient. She gave me a bath and brushed my hair out (which is a feat in of itself!). She got me ice cup after ice cup. She heated my first meal, grits, and found me some butter and a spoon. She talked with Paul, reassuring him that things would be alright. She walked us out when we were discharged, and we left her with the beautiful purple flowers Diane and her family sent me. She was another angel without wings.

What I love about each of these doctors and nurses is their confidence in their colleagues. Each one reassured me about the other. Each one had something positive to say about the next one. They saw the fear in my eyes of the unknown and worked to calm me. I firmly believe that God put them at that hospital that morning. They added to the peace that He gave me. They recognized not only their gifts but that our God, the Greatest Physician, was the ultimate one in control. That glorified Him with us, which made me respect them all the more.

They were the hands and feet of Christ.