1 Year Post-Surgery

On October 17th of 2009, I was 10 weeks pregnant with what we knew was twins and were soon to find out was actually triplets.

And...I found myself undergoing unexpected life-saving surgery.

I often times just stare at these little girls in complete awe. There really is no medical explanation for their survival. My blood pressure (and temperature) was either difficult to find or very low for several hours, redirecting blood flow to the major organs of my body in an attempt to keep me alive due to the extensive blood loss that was occurring. Those major organs did not include my uterus. My body was in shock, fighting to communicate to these doctors the need for surgery. Fighting to keep me alive. How does one respond when a surgeon tells you that you had about 2 hours left to live?

I am certain our twins were not protected by my body. They weren't protected by my uterus. There was nothing I could do to save them. There was nothing medically that could have been done to save them. But I continue to be amazed at the unexplainable peace God covered me with. I feel certain that God Himself had our girls tucked gently in His hands for those touch-and-go hours. He continued to breathe life into them, allowing them to beat the odds.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Psalm 139:13

I don't know why He spared my life. I don't know whey He chose to spare the life of these girls. I do know there were two of my closest friends constantly kneeling at the gates of heaven on our behalf early that morning. And I do know His plan is perfect.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

When I find myself completely overwhelmed; I try to remember this, and I once again find strength in God and not myself.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  

2 Corinthians 12:9b

There were countless people who willingly served our family for weeks and months, and I could write a book with all the emotions I feel right now; but instead, I've included some simple words that bring back the flood of this day a year ago and many days after created.

He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.

Colossians 1:17

Mountains, Tennessee, Sevierville, Pigeon Forge

10 Year Anniversary

Passing out, cold sweat, alone, email, cabin code, 911, 

temporary relief

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.
Psalm 27:14

Prayer

Ambulance, following, waiting, wondering

Fluids, fluids, fluids

Intense, excruciating, mind numbing, breath taking, worse-than-labor, unexplainable pain

ER, EMT, IV, BP

Gall bladder, appendix, uterus, ovaries

Baffled, waiting, consulting, exploratory, risk-taking

 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight

 Proverbs 3:5-6

Prayer

Hysterectomy, miscarriage, dying, death

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul.

He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil, for you are with me;

your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Psalm 23:1-4

Babies, uncertainty, tiny

Peace

Bleeding out, blood, transfusion, units

Emergency, shock, distress

CT, O+, OR, OB, ICU

Wedding rings, necklace, bond, pull-it-together

Brave, in sickness & in health, strong, rock, grounded, godly, sole mate, husband

 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 

Ephesians 5:25

Fear, confusion, exhaustion, alone 

 
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

Deuteronomy 31:6 

Alone, together, alert, out cold

Nausea, sick, groaning pain

Zofran, phenegran, anesthesia, morphine

Prayer, scripture, prayer, emails, prayer, texting, peace

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 

Philippians 4:6-7

Life-saving, life-changing, life-sparing, Life

I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.  

John 10:10

Heartbeat, dancing, wiggling, alive, perfect, twins

Miracle, miracleS, blessed

Staples, bandage, tape

Leg compressions, catheter, hospital bed, days

Temporary, discomfort, permanent, scar

Family, friends, unselfish, serving

And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:19

Care, commitment

Testimony, purpose

Prayer, Praise, Peace

And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. 

Romans 5:2b-5

Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you.
Psalm 116:7

The Top 20 Things I Took for Granted...

...that I don't anymore.

1. Carrying my little girl.
2. Swallowing pills without gagging.
3. Taking a shower without gagging and having to lay down for 30 minutes afterward, or even better, having to take a nap!
   
4. NOT throwing up. NOT worrying about throwing up.
   
5. NOT being constantly hungry but being unable to eat.
   
6. Eating. Period. 
7. Walking from one room to the other without getting out of breath.
8. Walking from my car in a parking lot, into a store, around the store, and back out without having to sit down for a break (or practically passing out).
9. Being able to stand while talking.
   
10. Looking pregnant, finally, at 20 weeks.
11. Feeling the girls kick.
12. Cooking dinner without having to hold my nose. Cooking dinner at all.
13. Deciding what we'll have for dinner more than 30 minutes beforehand and actually enjoying it!
    
14. Changing diapers (cloth diapers especially), even the poopy ones. 
15. Giving sweet Addie a bath. 
    
16. Cleaning my house.  
17. Sleeping normal hours. 
18. Sitting (and standing) all the way through church without having to leave. 
19. Driving! (being independent!)
20. Sitting on the floor playing with Addie! 
    

I know there are countless more, but these are the ones that came to mind. What a difference 12 weeks post surgery has made.  Being pregnant with twins comes with its own set of unpleasantries, but they pale in comparison to life after that surgery.  What a blessing to be able to enjoy my family and just feel normal! God is so good!

Philippians 4:19

"And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus."

Unconditional Love

I did not take one picture during Thanksgiving. I think that was probably due to the fact that I was merely trying to survive.

However, my sweet father-in-law/Addie's Grandpa did get two fabulous pictures of our girl in a fabulous mood!

And here's Grandpa with his co-favorite granddaughters as he calls them: Kira and Addie. I cannot believe Addie used to have cheeks like Kira. I love them! Are they adorable or what?!?

We spent 5 hours in the car getting to Augusta on Wednesday after Paul's root canal only to drive another 5 hours back Friday morning instead of Saturday.

Addie f.r.e.a.k.e.d. o.u.t. Thursday night. Freaked out is about the only way to describe it. She literally lost it. She cried for at least 30 minutes with us trying to comfort her plus the 20 minutes she'd cried in the pack-n-play. (that doesn't touch the 45 minute freak out she had when she woke up this morning!).

Too much food that she refused to eat. Too many people. Too much stimulation. Too much new. Too much fun. Too much running around.

All too soon after her new normal had become her normal.

So we came home. (and she's slept beautifully since then! Almost 12 hours last night!)

And besides, I'd started throwing up for some reason. That brings me to my point of why this post is entitled unconditional love. You may recall, my husband had a root canal Wednesday morning. I drove as far as I could...Newnan. Didn't even make it to Atlanta. Too exhausted.

So Paul drove the rest of the way without complaining even once: unconditional love.

We spent Thursday at Addie's Gramma's/Paul's mom's house (before and after naps). Paul played with Addie. Loved on her. Chased her. Changed her at least 4 times. Was patient with her. Loved on her some more. Kept up with her bow. Calmed her down. Worried about her. And loved on her some more.

All without complaining once: unconditional love.

Friday morning I got sick. In addition to getting sick, we were both exhausted from staying up all night with Addie.

I got to take an hour plus nap before we left, and he had to drive home, all without complaining once: unconditional love.

We get home. He goes to get me dinner. I take one bite, and it's all over. Then he drives all the way to Publix to get me some good bread so I can have toast.

Again: unconditional love.

There is no way I'd have made it through this challenging time without Paul. I know God put him here to give me strength when I just don't have it! He's been the encourager and the motivator. He's found me food to eat when no one else could. He's reminded me that I AM in fact pregnant with twins and had major surgery, thus explaining much of these symptoms of pure exhaustion and nausea. He is the most wonderful husband ever!

As my mom said, we've worn out the for better or for worse, in sickness and in health over the past six weeks.

But I haven't heard my sweet husband complain about caring for me or Addie even once.

Now that's unconditional love!

What A Weekend!

It's been 3 weeks since my surgery. I seem to measure time in before and after the surgery. Life changed so much!

I'm so tired of only blogging words! I started this blog with only pictures...and then I got wordy, but at least I still had the pictures! I want to be taking pictures so badly right now, but I just don't have the energy yet. I get out of breath when I walk to the kitchen. I feel like I'm missing so much of Addie growing up since the morning sickness started and then the surgery. It makes me sad...

...but I'm so thankful to be able to at least witness it all!

We had great plans for our weekend! Paul's mom was coming to help us, and Paul was going to clear out the guest bedroom of furniture so they could start putting the 2nd baby bed together. It would give us more storage space to get ready for these twins...

...but other plans were had.

Paul ended up with a horrible stomach virus by Friday. He was miserable to say the least! My mom had to stay with us Thursday night to give him a break from getting up with Addie. She ended up spending the next 2 nights with us as well. You know...because when Paul's sick and shouldn't be getting up with Addie and I'm not allowed to pick her up, we've got a problem. I am so thankful for Addie's relationship with my mom! I'm so thankful that she loves her and is so comfortable around her. I think Addie would be in much worse shape if this wasn't the case.

Addie's still getting up 3-4 times a night. It's like she's taking naps all night long. Every 2-3 hours she's up, which means we're up. It's exhausting. It's almost like she's afraid to go to sleep sometimes. She's restless and twitches in her sleep. When I saw her pediatrician on Wednesday, I told her that I wasn't worried about Addie's verbal skills. I wasn't worried about her gross or even her fine motor skills. But oh my word, would she please make my child sleep? She agreed that we were doing the right thing for now, given that Addie's little world has been turned flat upside down.

I'll be home with her all next week though. I'm praying that the consistency will pay off. I'm praying I have the energy to keep up with her! She's already started eating better for my mom. Let's hope that will transfer to us! And we all know a full tummy makes for better sleep! Right? Just say yes!

I've been feeling significantly better. With the progesterone shots out of my system, I've felt so much better. Until last night. I got in the car to run get milk shakes with my mom and was cleaning out some cheerios from the seat. It was all over. Cheerios? They weren't even mushy! I was so mad! I had gone almost 5 whole days without throwing up! So, I'll start the count over with today!

And that's about it. I know it's boring. I know you're probably tired of hearing surgery updates. But my goals this weeks are to 1.) care for Addie, 2.) not throw up, and 3.) take some pictures!

Here are a few more prayer requests:

• Paul's and my mom's health! They are both feeling run down and exhausted! I cannot care for Addie without them! Please pray for their rapid recovery!
• Addie's sleeping (and eating). All I can say is that this too shall pass!
• The twins. Their health and well being.
  
• My energy. It takes nothing to wear me out! I still can't stand up and talk without getting out of breath. Thankfully I'd started working with Addie before the surgery on getting into her car seat and picking her things up. It has paid off!
  
• Weight gain for me! I know these babies are getting all the nutrients they need, but I know I'm not! I'm still hovering around the -10lb level and haven't been able to put any on. No one (thankfully), including my doctors, are fussing; but it's so frustrating to me because I'm hungry and want to eat but can't always!
• We have an appointment with my OB on Thursday as well as an ultrasound. Please pray for a good report and healthy babies!

Thank you for continuing to pray for our family! I promise to get some pictures up sooner than later! Have a wonderful week!

#Update 3#

I took Addie to the doctor today for her 18 month appointment.

Let that sink in.

No. The significance is not that she's 19 months and 2 weeks old right now!

I drove. I transported my child. I kept up with her. I spent over an hour and a half away from the house. I ate at least 3 snacks while we were gone. I went by myself.

I did not throw up. I did not pass out. I did not even feel nauseous!

I also went to get my progesterone levels checked early this morning. I've been taking intramuscular shots for 6 weeks now. I took them for 10 weeks with Addie. They hurt much worse this time. I don't understand why, but they did.

And they were making me sick!

A progesterone level should be above 25 when you are pregnant. Today, mine was 56! A few weeks ago, it was at 120! No more shots for me!

No wonder I've felt better! I think I've eaten more in the past 48 hours than I've eaten over the last 2+ weeks! Oh my!

Back to Addie.

We went for her 18 month appointment today! Although a tad late, here are her stats according to her current age:
weight: still in the 95th%ile at 30lbs 3.5 ounces
height: still off the charts at 34 and 5/8 inches
head circumference: down to the 90th%ile at 48.2 cm

Proportional. Yet ginormous. Her winter shirts, dresses and skirts are 3Ts and her pants are 2Ts.

But perfect!

Except for sleeping and eating. We've discovered that when she's in a long term stressful situation, this is how she reacts. This happened at the end of July too. She quit eating by the end of the week. She refused to sleep by herself, and she'd only sleep in the bed with us. It became very apparent to us how disturbed the environment was making her. Although this is significantly different, she is reacting the same way.

I could blame the tantrums on it too. But that's fairly typical for her age. I could blame the meltdowns she has when new people approach her on it as well. But that's somewhat typical for a clingy stage.

But I cannot deny her refusing to eat and waking up several times in the night and being unable to soothe herself like she's done for so long. I cannot do anything but accept that our situation is having an affect on her. I've been her primary caregiver during the day since she was born...for 19 months. Over the past two weeks, that has not been the case. She's had impeccable care and lots of love. I'm pretty sure she's actually received more attention over the past two weeks than normal.

But it's change; and although children are surprisingly resilient, this is how she deals with stress.

So we're being very patient. Lots of rocking. Lots of distracting. Lots of encouraging. Lots of cuddling. Lots of patience.

And it will improve. It will get better. And we will move on!

Thank you so much for your sweet comments on the previous post. Thank you for the words of encouragement. I knew so many of you were still praying for us, no matter my state of mind, and your emails and messages only reinforced it! Thank you for that!

Praises: I have not been nauseous for two days. I am eating and feeling stronger each hour!
Praise God! Also, our house is clean, tidy and straight! Between my mom and aunt last week, Allison all day Monday, a cleaning lady on Tuesday, and Laura Beth and Diane today, it's perfect. I am so thankful! And I'm so thankful for such amazing family and friends!

Requests: Please continue to pray for Addie, that she would sleep and eat. We've spent lots of time cuddling and snuggling, and I'm praying it will start to pay off! Please pray for Paul. He thought he was exhausted last week, but these last few nights have sealed that deal. He's worn slap out! Please pray that he can rest and would get to feeling better!

Again, thank you for your sweet words and many prayers! Each one of you have blessed us in an unique ways, some with words, others with food, and others with time. Thank you!

God is good...all the time!

I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. Ephesians 1:16

Gifts...

I admit it. I threw a little pretty big pity party the other night. The same night I lay in the bed thinking for so long. It was sometime last week. I was tired of throwing up. I was tired of not being able to do anything. I was upset because someone who we love hadn't called or even emailed to check on us in a whole week and another someone we love hadn't bothered to call at all!

I threw a big fat pity party.

I admit it.

I'm not perfect.

And as much as I try, I don't find joy in every moment!

I just knew no one had any idea that we are really still struggling! I've had to have someone with me (and Addie) 24/7 for two weeks now. That'll drain anyone, even the people who love you the most! (I finally got to stay by myself with Addie a little Monday morning! Whoohoo!) And I just knew there must be bigger & better things for people to be praying for by now! They must have forgotten us!

But before I could go to sleep that night, a sweet message came in from an old friend "who was still praying for our family!" And I had another one from a college friend that I haven't even talked to in years, that she was reading our blog & praying for us! And then a lady from our church left me the sweetest message on my facebook wall. And one of my dear college friends just reminded me that she was still praying for us too!

And the next morning, my best friend Diane showed up at our house at 8am to stay with me & Addie. She let me just sleep, and I didn't have to worry about Addie once! And the wife of one of the guys Paul works with truly brought us enough food for the entire weekend and some! And an old high school friend called just to see how I was feeling & let me know that I was on their church prayer list...a church we don't even attend!

And the next night, as we listened to Addie scream because she didn't want to sleep, again, for the 3rd night in a row because her little world is just flat upside down, I had one of our dearest friends tell us he was sending prayers down the street and around the block...at 12:29am. And when I woke up, there were three more messages saying the same thing.

And even though I had no idea Addie would refuse to sleep for an entire 3 hours that night, forcing me to get up, pick her up and hold her until she fell asleep as a last resort, I had no choice but to wrap up my pity party & gently remind myself that God's got it covered. He hasn't carried us this far only to drop us off! I'm sure He just sighed, picked up a little more of our load, as if He wasn't already carrying it all, and continued carrying us whispering along the way: "I will NEVER leave you or forsake you!" And I wonder if He thought, "When will you ever learn that?!?!?!?"

What amazing patience our Father shows us. He gently nudges along, reminding us of His faithfulness. And when we are too weak to stand alone, He just carries us. Plan & simple.

My dear collage friend Allison drove from Birmingham yesterday with her three children...all under the age of five. She met us back here after our sweet friend Mandy took us to Kindermusik. Allison worked for six straight hours on my house. She straightened and cleaned. Watched the kids. Organized and put away. Fed the kids lunch. And she cleaned out my refrigerator! I can now officially open it without gagging! And she considered it pure joy to serve our family. What a gift!

And when I was in the hospital, Paul's dad offered to have someone come and clean our house. When our friends the Becks came over and found that out, they had the perfect person! She was here today...and our house has honestly never been so clean! I may not be able to find anything for a few days, but it's worth it! She's cleaned and cleaned and cleaned and cleaned! What a gift!

I think that's what has amazed me the most about our situation. So many people have stepped up and served us with such willing hearts! We have had a hot meal brought to us almost every night since we got home from the hospital. Two weeks, and another week planned! I have had several friends email me in an attempt to try to find something that I could eat. Not only did they bring us dinner, but they went out of their way to ask what sounded good! Diane coordinated all of the meals and still is! She's brought food to our house and come to stay with me and Addie. What a gift!

In addition to my aunt driving from Atlanta twice (and offering to come this week too!), I think my mom has been over here 12 of the last 14 nights (yes, I counted), to give Addie a bath and help get her ready for bed. She works all day, sometimes tutors for an hour or two at night, manages to work out and grocery shop for us...and then comes and takes care of a 19 month old before bed! That's after she kept her the weekend we went out of town, drove to Tennessee with her by herself not actually knowing how I was, brought her back and forth to the hospital, stayed with me alternating with Paul...and drove me home! I often wondered how she did all she did for us when we were growing up. I now know: besides drawing her strength from our amazing God, she's superwoman (and I'm not being sarcastic!)! What a gift!

And then there's my husband. Addie almost did him in the other night when she refused to sleep. In the past, paci in her mouth and she'd be back asleep! Nope. The panic cry started. It's different. It's one of those things a parent can just hear. It was there. She was truly afraid. She was panicking and couldn't calm herself down. But she almost did him in. He has waited on me hand and foot. Gotten Addie ready each morning, stayed home from work on some days to take care of her and me, let me sleep for hours on end, fed her dinner on most nights since we've been home, picked up toys, gotten me medicine, helped me with my shots (which I'm done with...whoohoo!)...oh, and gone to the grocery store at 8pm to get me waffles! He has been daddy and mommy all at once. He's read to Addie. Played with her. Loved on her. Changed her diapers. Located pacis. Found lovies. And on and on and on! And while neither of us are perfectly patient, he's been such an amazing husband throughout this whole ordeal! A strength when I was completely helpless! What a gift!

So instead of throwing a pity party. I am thankful.

I am thankful for the food. I am thankful for the friends! I am thankful for the gifts that people have so selflessly given!

And even if it returns tomorrow, I am thankful for today...an entire day without nausea. I truly believe that I have gained 5 pounds just today because I've finally been able to eat! I ate dinner with my family! What a gift!!!!

And I am thankful!!!

The Third Baby...our second loss

..and a second chance.

I had a bad reaction to the loss of our first child. I was mad and angry with God. He knew how long we'd been trying to conceive. He knew how much we wanted that baby. But he said wait. And I was furious! So that's why I see this as a second chance. A second chance to react. A second chance to be thankful for the conception and birth of Addie. A second chance to be thankful for the conception of these twins. A second chance to hope and a second chance to grieve.

I lay awake a long time last night. I've thrown up for 3 days straight, so I decided to take a pain pill before bed in an attempt to calm my entire body down. It worked. No nausea. No gagging. Relatively little discomfort. Lots of time to think. I guess when you've slept 5 hours during the day for the past three days, sleep doesn't come as quickly.

So I lay there thinking about a lot of things. I finally had time to think about this precious third baby that we found out we had one minute and lost the next. It's been a little overshadowed by my surgery, the twins survival, and our wild and loving child. So in my reflective state, I decided I pretty much had a 4 step reaction to this; and the first two were in matter of seconds!

1. Disbelief. triplets. oh. my. word. we could have had THREE babies all at once. three car seats. three baby beds. they don't make good triplet strollers. i've looked. and I only have two arms! oh. my. word.
2. Devastation. We know that life begins at conception. We are adamantly against abortion and even selective reduction. I don't consider what we did an abortion or selective reduction. We didn't really have a choice here. Our third baby was already gone before the surgery. I guess I see the surgery as a necessity for me to continue living. I was given 2 hours to live without it. But this baby was very much alive at one point. It may not have been as big as our other two, but I'm certain it had a beating heart, fingers and toes, and tried hard to wiggle around. I don't believe that we made the choice to take this baby. I believe God did. He gives and He takes away. I don't have to understand it; I just have to make the choice to accept it. But it's a grief process none the less, because in all reality, we just lost a second baby.
3. Reflection: What are you doing to me and where were the warning signs? I tried really hard to come up with a one word reaction here. It didn't happen. I've had so many people question why my doctors and nurses didn't find this. Why didn't they even bother to look at my tubes? Well...because until that Friday night, there were no warning signs. I had two healthy babies in my uterus. I mean, I had a pulling pain here and there; but nothing extreme. It could all be explained away with ligament stretching or babies growing. My only hint was that my morning sickness was getting worse. We'd spent the weekend before at the beach with my dad and his wife. From the time we arrived Friday until we left Sunday, there was a marked difference in how I felt. I think they even noticed. I spent all day that Monday in the bed; but after that, I seemed to recover...until Friday night! It's hard for me to comprehend that this baby almost took my life. I'm not angry about it. I'm more thankful to God for saving my life and the twins than anything. Amazing miracles. I don't blame my doctors and nurses for not looking for it. They had no reason to. But at the same time, I keep looking back trying to find warning sign...and there really were none.
   
4. Relief. This may sound strange, but it's where I am right now. I don't know if this baby suffered. I firmly believe that babies can sense and feel things in utero. You should see ours reacting to the pressure of an ultrasound on my belly at a mere 11 weeks! Amazing! I pray this baby didn't suffer. I hope whatever happened, happened instantly. I think it probably did, given how quickly I got so violently ill. The pressure or force of the rupture nicked an artery that runs close to the fallopian tubes. That's why I bled so quickly and so much. But back to my point here. How could I feel relief? Because I know where this baby is now. He's in heaven, with our first child we lost. It took me a long time to get to this point with our first child. They've both been made perfect, escaping the imperfections of this world in which we live. Part of me considers him blessed. But that doesn't stop the sadness that I certainly still feel having never had the privilege to meet him. Yes, him. But I will one day, and I can't wait!
   

So these are my thoughts. Deep or shallow, here they are. I think it's fair to say that I deserved a little time to process all of this, given the circumstances. I won't say I'm ready to talk about it, but at least I'm processing it. I don't know why any of this happened. But I don't consider it a mystery. I don't necessarily understand it, but I consider it part of God's amazing plan for our lives. He's known this from the start. He's got it all under control. And I can't help but find comfort instead of confusion in that!

Moses answered the people, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today ... the LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still" Exodus 14:13-14

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 2 Corinthians 2: 3-4

#Quick Update 2#

My friend Mandy (who, by the way, carted both girls back and forth to MMO yesterday in the rain! thank you so much!!!) recently updated her blog with a quick list of what has been happening in their lives. It was short, succinct, to the point and way easy to read!

So here's my much wordier attempt at that:

1. Food is not my friend. After an entire day of trying to find me something to eat because I lost my dinner last night, my aunt finally boiled some red potatoes, peeled them, and mashed them with butter and salt. They are gone. I then made the mistake of making the yummiest milk shake with fresh strawberries this afternoon. It did not stay down. :/ My new staples: eggs, cheese toast, mashed potatoes, and chicken broth from cans of chicken and stars soup. Whatever works, right?
2. My aunt, my mom's sister, otherwise known around here as Nana, is amazing. She met us here last Wednesday when we got home from the hospital in TN. In her words, we were in bad shape. She gave my mom a break. She stayed with my mom and worked like an I don't know what over here until Saturday morning, but I hardly knew she was here. She came back Tuesday to help me with Addie that afternoon and today. This time she came with a pot roast, turkey chili, spaghetti with whole wheat pasta, and twice baked potatoes...oh, and this corn bread that she supposedly "messed up" but tasted so yummy to me, and she's about to make more of it!!! She kept Addie for me this morning while I slept. She's done laundry and not dried what we don't dry. She's entertained a 19 month old and kept a very finicky pregnant woman semi-full. That last one is the biggest accomplishment of the week I believe. Thank you Nana for coming and quietly serving our family! We love you!
3. Addie knows that if she hits, it's straight to time-out. One warning, not two, will land her there. She gets frustrated. I'm ok with that. I get frustrated. I'm ok if she screams or cries a little, but if she hits one of us or an animal, it's time-out. So now she hits herself. She'll bop herself upside the back of the head when she's mad. So what do we do with that...?
4. Our dog, Abigail, is bad. She's counter surfed one too many times. She's taken food right out of Addie's hands one too many times. And she weaseled her way into getting two dinners last night, both complete with pumpkin (that's part of her diet)! Argh. We already have two kids, and we're adding two more. Help us!
5. Pregnancy isn't pretty. I got rid of the majority of the morning sickness I had after the surgery. We really think it had to do with the ectopic pregnancy putting so much pressure on my tube. But I'm still nauseous. I gag at the drop of a hat. At one point, I was taking eight pills (along with a prenatal vitamin, baby aspirin and my progesterone shot). I took only two this morning. That's an accomplishment. I hate taking so much, and I'm thankful I can cut it down so significantly already.
   
6. My incision is healing. It doesn't hurt half as much when I suddenly sneeze anymore.
   
7. God is good. All the time. We continue to thank Him for each new day! He always provides. Always protects. And we praise His name on the good days and the hard ones!

Happy Wednesday.

The Very Best Medicine

I was talking with a friend recently about how hard it is for me not to be able to care for Addie. The morning sickness sort of eased me into this, but at least I could pick her up then. No more.

Don't get me wrong...when I was in the hospital, Addie was in the best of care with my mom and Paul. A whole lotta love and consistency. That's what she needed then and that's exactly what she got!

Since we've been home, we've kept her with people she sees on at least a weekly basis: Mandy and Cady, DiDi, my mom, or with us. It's paid off. I felt selfish at first about it; but watching her turn back into our happy, fairly easy going, energetic little girl has been worth it! She's obeying more. She's throwing far fewer tantrums. She responds to us like she used to.

And for her resilience, I am grateful.

But it doesnt make it any easier that I can't bend over and pick her up. I can't sit on the edge of the tub and bathe her. I haven't changed a diaper in over a week, probably longer (ok, so I haven't missed that!). And worst of all, I cant go scoop her up out of the bed and cuddle with her.

But she's the very best medicine. She gets me up in the morning by running in and yelling Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Hi, Mommy! She demands to get Up! on the bed and then promptly demands to see my Owie! Owie! More owie! Then she blows on it? She hasn't had enough owies in her short life to know that you blow on them...but she does! Sweet thing. And then she promptly finds a way off the bed, sometimes landing on her bottom on the floor exclaiming, Whoa, Addie! (where'd she get that?)

I listened to her read herself a book tonight: Millie Moo. Baby jibber jabber followed by an elephant sound. Baby jibber jabber followed by a monkey sound. Baby jibber jabber followed by a bear sound. Baby jibber jabber followed by a fish sound. Baby jibber jabber followed by something I couldn't understand. Baby jibber jabber followed by Moooooooo! She's started reading an opposite book: up/down, young/old, short/long, day/night, awake/sleep, and wet/dry. My mom taught her that. I cannot lie. She came to the hospital reading it! I mean, clearly, I know she's not reading...but she is!

And it's hard because all I can do is watch. But I'm thankful. Because I can watch. And she can crawl up in my lap and wake me up in the morning. And she still has a mommy!

And for that, I am thankful. God is good. He keeps providing for our family over and over again. Financially. Care for me and Addie. Food and more food! Flexibility with Paul's job. We are so blessed and so thankful!

And besides Addie being the very best medicine, we have these little ones:

Who you can hardly see on these ultrasounds...but their heartbeats were perfect. Little hands rubbing a face. Wiggling like little fish. Legs kicking. Healthy. Little. Miracles!

And the incision no longer matters. And the fact that I hate food right now doesn't matter. And not being able to hold Addie no longer matters. Because all of that is temporary.

But our family will forever be the very best medicine!

--------------------------------------------

A few quick praises and prayer requests:

• Praise! My staples are out! I feel so much...more flexible? I don't know. They were holding me together pretty tightly, so I can move (and sleep) easier! Now I'm being held together by tape...reassuring, huh? (oh, and the 2 layer of sutures under the skin!)
  
• Praise! Addie and Paul both seem to be adjusting to this new normal, slowly but surely.
• Praise! For God's provisions! Period. All of them!
• Request: continued rest for all of us. This last week took it flat out of our family. God has provided me with a lot of rest, but Paul really needs some down time. Pray that he will have some in the next few days!
• Request: continued health of the twins. They look fabulous right now, but we are all too aware of the possibilities of problems due to my emergency or just for twins in general. Please pray for full term, healthy babies!

Thank you all again for your sweet words of encouragement and many prayers! God has used each one of you in mighty ways to minister to our family in one way or another! Thank you for being His hands and a feet! Have a wonderful week!

A week later...

As it is growing closer to midnight, I have started to remember where we were last weekend, what was going through my mind, the things we had no idea were to come, but peace that God gave us.

And I am thankful...

I'm thankful that I'll be asleep at 4am instead of being pumped full of fluids and at 5:30am instead of having a CT scan on my abdomen, praying that God will protect our babies.

I'm thankful to know that our triplet is in heaven with our Father, the Greatest Physician, who chose to save his mother's life.

I'm thankful to have come through a surgery virtually unscathed. Walked through the fire and come out unburned. Sure. I've got an incision...but really, in the whole grand scheme of things...wow. God is so good.

I am thankful to be alive.

I'll be honest with you. I'm not ready to talk about our 3rd baby, the one we found out we had one minute and only seconds later that we had lost. Besides with Paul and maybe a close friend or two, I can't talk about it. We so appreciate your prayers and words of encouragement; but for me, I don't need to know how others are processing it right now. I know that sounds a little selfish, but it's just where I am. We're still so raw. It was our baby, mine and Paul's. We'll process it together. Slowly. In our time. In His time. Thank you for respecting that.

Bottom line, we now have 2 babies in heaven, 1 on earth, and 2 in my belly.

And I'm thankful for every. single. one.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior!
Isaiah 43: 2-3a

The Vessels...

...the Hands and Feet of Christ.

In addition to witnessing God's healing hand repeatedly over the past few days, we've witnessed a willingness by so many to be used by Him, for his goodness!

This is another one of those post that I'm writing for me to remember things that we experienced in those scary times. If you chose to read it, I hope it blesses you; if not, I hope you will continue to pray for our family and these precious men and women who served us!

When we arrived at this hospital, all that was going through my head (besides these people have got to get me better and fast!) was where on the earth are they taking me? We're in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee at the Fort Sanders Sevierville Medical Center. Where? I know. They rolled me into the ER, and I had not a clue what kind of care I would get! Would they have the proper equipment? Would they know how to fix me?

If the paramedics were any indication of the quality of care I was going to receive, then I was in good hands. Andrew and Aaron are cousins. Andrew was the one who couldn't find my pulse but didn't panic. He held my hand as I sat on the bathroom floor throwing up. He kept me talking even though I didn't want to. They put me in a medic chair to carry me up the stairs. Andrew carefully got me onto the gurney, started my IV, checked with the OB on an anti-nausea drug I could take. He stayed with me until the ER nurse could come in. And later that morning, he found Paul in the middle of my surgery, when he was all alone in the OR waiting room. He sat with Paul through my surgery and prayed with him. This complete stranger brought such comfort, allowing himself to be used as His hands.

My first ER nurse, Will, had more energy than Addie! He went 90 miles an hours. But he was the one who stayed after his shift had ended to get me ready for surgery. He changed my IV bag after IV bag (which was apparently a total of 8 before surgery, with one going in each arm). He pumped me full of anti-nausea medicine and antibiotics for surgery, just in case. He told me that he was ready for my fingers and toes to not be purple! He came and visited me in the ICU after my surgery.

Then there was Dr. H. He was my first ER doctor. He was so patient and gentle. He ordered the tests, consulted with several other doctors, including the next ER doctor on call and my doctor from home. He called in the team of doctors. He held my hand before they took me out of the ER to surgery. I could see tears in his eyes. He came to see me early the next morning in the ICU and brought me a personal note and a beautiful wooden angel.

Dr. B was the next ER doctor that came on. He has 7 children. He had this calming voice, reassuring yet realistic. He always winked at me when I'd glance over to get his reaction of what was going on. Paul asked him if I was going to be ok. Calmly but reasonable he replied, "Sir, we are going to do everything we can for her."

Dr. P is the Chief of Staff. I didn't find this out until later. He's also the best surgeon on the planet in my eyes. He's the one who demanded the 2nd surgical team come in to save my life. He's quick and sharp yet steady and calm. He's a surgeon. He drained my belly of blood, checked my stomach, intestines, kidneys and liver. He cut me open and sewed/stapled me back up.

Dr. P's brother is a CRNA (certified registered nurse anesthetist). He was in an emergency c-section, where Dr. P paged him, texted him, and called him (something he apparently never does all 3 of). He wanted him in the OR for me. He got him in there, and he watched my levels. He made sure the medicine they gave me would not harm my babies. He made sure I got through the surgery. He offered his home for Paul to come take a shower or stay in.

And then Dr. A. I really think she's an angel without wings. She stood by my bed and would talk gently to me. Giving me the possibilities of what she might have to do. Reminding me that I was in good hands. Carefully monitoring all of my babies, even the one that almost took my life. When she smiled, her eyes would light up. Before she did the ultrasound to check to see if the twins were even still alive, she prayed with us. She prayed for God's comfort, for His presence. And she rejoiced with us when we saw those kicking, wiggling, babies with amazing heartbeats. She prayed with us agian, thanking our amazing God for shielding these babies from harm.

Dot was the nurse in ultrasounds/radiation. She rubbed my feet and figured out how to prop my hips up without pain shooting through my body. She squeezed my hand and told me I was doing a good job. She called our babies little peanuts and marveled at how perfect they were! She came and visited me before I went into surgery, rubbing my back as I was getting sick. She came back to the ICU after my surgery, held my hand, and told me how happy she was for all of us! And she came to our room, the night before we were discharged, to wish us the best.

Denise was my ICU nurse. She is actually Andrew, the paramedics, wife. She finally found a pain med and dose that would ease my pain. She was so patient. She gave me a bath and brushed my hair out (which is a feat in of itself!). She got me ice cup after ice cup. She heated my first meal, grits, and found me some butter and a spoon. She talked with Paul, reassuring him that things would be alright. She walked us out when we were discharged, and we left her with the beautiful purple flowers Diane and her family sent me. She was another angel without wings.

What I love about each of these doctors and nurses is their confidence in their colleagues. Each one reassured me about the other. Each one had something positive to say about the next one. They saw the fear in my eyes of the unknown and worked to calm me. I firmly believe that God put them at that hospital that morning. They added to the peace that He gave me. They recognized not only their gifts but that our God, the Greatest Physician, was the ultimate one in control. That glorified Him with us, which made me respect them all the more.

They were the hands and feet of Christ.

Another Perspective

Here's Paul's experience...

Totally worth the read!

Make sure to comment to encourage him to continue blogging!

And a quick update:

we are home and being cared for in so many ways--food and cleaning and any childcare we might need. We are keeping Addie on her regular schedule as much as possible and near to us. She seems to be slowly adjusting. She's been through a lot! I'm moving around more than even yesterday. The pain meds are doing their job, thankfully! Paul is resting today instead of heading back to work. Life will slowly return to normal!

I get my staples out Monday, and we'll get to see the babies again on ultrasound then as well!

Please continue to pray for the health of these sweet babies, my physical healing, Paul's emotional healing, and sweet Addie to just be able to readjust to things! Thank you all for your precious words of encouragement and many prayers! Our God is so good!!!!

Now I'm going to take a nap!

Quick Update

I've tried to get the energy up to do a quick update before this, but it just hasn't happened.

Yesterday, Monday, was great. The pain pump meds were still in my system as I transitioned onto oral meds. I got up and took a shower with Paul's assistance. I walked the halls, twice. I ate dinner sitting in a chair. By late last night, I was hurting. Hurting something serious. There's a lot that goes on in your body after surgery. Things I've never had to experience, thankfully! Bottom line, it stinks! I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

My incision goes from the base of my rib cage down. There are three layers of sutures, two with stitches and the top with staples. Paul counted 35 staples. I think it's about 7 inches long. I wasn't ever big on wearing two piece bathing suits, but I will never wear another one now! There is nothing pretty about this incision!

When I stand up, it feels like someone has attached an anchor to my stomach. But the more I move the easier it gets! The pulling and tugging is unbelievable. There's swelling and bruising, but nothing, and I mean nothing could compare to the pain I was in early Saturday morning. So I give thanks!

We got to see the twins again this morning (Tuesday). What a sweet sight. Precious heartbeats. Wiggling arms and legs. We think they are perfect.

Here are some Specific Prayer Requests:

• travel safety: we will be making the 6 hour journey home tomorrow, which will probably take about 8 hours. Please pray for safety, limited pain, and lots of patience on all of our parts!
  
• healing for my incision and limited pain at the incision site as the twins begin to grow
  
• protection for the babies from any stress they endured, procedures that I had done, and medications that I have to take now
  
• Addie: she needs her Mama, and I can't meet all of her needs right now. There are very few people that we're releasing her to, for her benefit, not ours. Please don't be offended if we ask you to come to us or help in an altogether different way. It isn't that we don't trust you, we're just trying to maintain as much consistency with her as possible; and right now, that has a lot to do with her proximity to us. Please pray that people will be receptive to this and still willing to help our family.
  
• Paul: for inexplainable energy and peace! He's exhausted but wants to care for both me and Addie. He's been an amazing rock for me, never budging. Please pray for his strength and ability to juggle more than he's used to handling. He's already done such a good job balancing things!
  
• That, as a family, we would continue to draw closer to our Heavenly Father. We want to first and foremost rely on His strength and then on each others. That every word we speak and thing we do would bring glory to Him. He is the reason we are here.
  

To be completely honest with you, I am most grateful to be alive. Our God has done miraculous things here. Not only should I not be here but neither should these twins. I'll write more on the third baby later. I'm still processing things.

When my mom had breast cancer, we came face to face with the possibility of her dying. I fully believe that God provided the doctors and nurses here on earth to treat and cure her. He is the Greatest Physician.

But this is different, for me at least. I'm now the one that just came face to face with death. As Paul's wife. As Addie's mother. And the Great Physician held me in the palm of His hand. It was His choice whether I would live or die. It was His choice whether the twins would survive. He gave the knowledge to the doctors, the wisdom of what to search for, and the steady hand to remove from my body what was killing me without causing more damage. I don't know why God has chosen this path for me or these babies. I can only rest in the fact that He's got it all under control and has beautiful things planned for our lives!

It changes your perspective. What was once an ordeal is just trivial to us. What we once cared about, seems insignificant. It isn't that we don't care, it's just that our little family has bonded even closer over the past 5 days. I've had to rely on Paul for so much. But most importantly, I've had to rely on the strength from our God to literally survive.

You have turned my mourning into dancing, Lord
Now my feet are filled with your praise
You have clothed my spirit with a robe of joy
You've cast my sorrow away

Detour

I know I promised to at least attempt to take some beautiful pictures on this trip of ours, but you know what they say: the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry! My camera has not even made it out of the bag!

As most of you probably know by now, I ended up in the ER late Friday night via ambulance. What we thought was probably food poisoning, was far more serious.

I'm warning you, this post is long and full of TMI. But I need to write it down.

It all started with what I thought were gas pains. Then the vomiting started. The one thing we forgot when we left town was Gas-X. So my sweet husband got up at 1am, dressed, and drove down the mountain to get me some. As I was attempting to distract myself and avoid throwing up, I saw my friend Allison had just sent an email about her fun Christmas cards. I was praying that she was still up, so i sent her a quick email. We started emailing, and she encouraged me to call our OB on-call doctor, in perfect timing! The nurse said for us to head to the ER to get some fluids. So, being the overachiever that I am, I hopped up to get dressed and get upstairs to meet Paul when he got back so we could head to the ER. Biggest mistake. I blacked out on the floor in our bedroom, crawled back into the bathroom and continued vomiting, but now I was wringing wet with sweat.

Right about that time, Paul was trying to punch the key code in to get the door open. It wouldn't work. By the time he got downstairs, I knew I wasn't going to be making it back up them. He called the ambulance. They arrived shortly. The tech attempted to find my pulse. Nothing, although I clearly had one. I threw up again. Do you know how hard it is to throw up in front of someone else? My modest dignity was slowly fading and would only fade more throughout those early morning hours. After I was in the ambulance, he attempted to find my blood pressure. Nothing, which meant my top bp number was below 80.

He started pumping me full of fluids and zofran, and my pressure started to go up slowly. Some of my color returned.

We arrived at the hospital. That's when my blood pressure went back down, my lips, fingers and toes purple as could be, and the tests started: blood work, urinalysis, chest x-ray, ultrasound of gall bladder/spleen and ultrasound of our babies. They were trucking along, oblivious as to what was going on.

I was shivering uncontrollably, partially because I was on my 4th bag of fluids; but I later found out, I was going into shock. Then the acute pains began. It started around my belly (around, all four sides, of the babies). Then the spasms started. It was like my entire stomach, abdomen, chest and shoulder muscles would have sudden bouts of shooting pain, freezing up to the point where I couldn't breathe.

That's when I realized my husband had been pushed to the edge of the room; and I was surround by not only my ER nurse, but my original ER doctor, the ER doctor who was on call next, the Chief of Staff who is a surgeon, and the sweetest OB I've ever met. Their faces were attempting to hide their utter and complete fear for my life. I'm not exaggerating. But I could see it. They decided an emergency abdominal CT scan was inevitable, even with me being pregnant. My mentality by that point was, if you can't save me, then these babies have no chance at all! They threw out the idea of using a contrasting dye, because there was no time. Their words.

As they rolled me into the CT scan room, Paul overheard the surgeon on the phone, “I don't care if they aren't on call. The 1st surgical team is wrapped up. Get the 2nd surgical team here NOW. We've got to get this lady into the OR.”

What they found on the CT scan was pretty horrifying. The possibilities: a ruptured appendix, infected gall bladder, ruptured fallopian tube, ruptured cyst or a tear in the uterus wall due to one the babies implanting too high up. Before I knew it, there were 6-7 people surrounding me. Pushing the antibiotics in through the iv, speeding up my fluids, and prepping me for emergency surgery. They ruled out my appendix and gall bladder.

Forget laparoscopy, they cut me right down the middle from my diaphragm to my pelvis. The possible outcomes of this surgery (because now they were almost certain it was of a reproductive nature): cyst or ovary removal, taking one baby and repairing the uterus, removing a fallopian tube, or doing a full hysterectomy. I'm 31.

I had this peace. I looked up into the OB's eyes and had no doubt the severity of this surgery and that my life was at stake. The goal: save my life and then, if possible, save the babies. I remember thinking, "Lord, if this is my time to meet you, I cannot think of a greater honor. But if at all possible, I'd really like to stick around and raise our children with Paul." I had the most indescribably peace from God. He kept bringing scripture to my mind: I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. My God will never leave you nor forsake you. The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. Trust in the Lord with all of your heart! And my God will meet all of your needs. And peace which surpasses all understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus.

Peace. Without fear. Complete trust. Faith in the Great Physician.

They went in, found that not only was a pregnant with twins, but in all actuality, triplets. The third baby had implanted in my left fallopian tube, growing right along with the other babies, and causing my tube to rupture. The surgeon took 1.5-2 liters of blood from my abdomen. We only have 3-4 liters of blood in our whole body! No wonder I've been sick for 3 weeks with all day morning sickness, probably due to the stretching of the tube! I haven't felt nauseous due to the morning sickness since the surgery!

I told the surgeon today that I knew it had been so serious. He looked at me and calmly said...you had about 2 more hours to live had the surgery not been performed!

God's.

Perfect.

Timing.

We had no idea the status of the twins after the surgery. I had already been through so much trauma that the OB decided to hold off doing another ultrasound until the morning. And I still had that peace! The concern for the babies was that my blood pressure had been so low for so long. When blood pressure drops for extended periods of time, apparently our bodies compensate by directing any and all blood to the major organs of the body (which is why my fingers, toes, and lips were so purple). So there was extreme worry that the babies had not received enough blood flow while I was losing so much blood, which would result in immediate death for them. In addition to a possible lack of blood flow, I had received an abdominal CT scan and general anesthesia. The blessing is that the radiation from the CT scan was in a range considered safe for babies in utero. The anesthesia was also a class B drug, as is tylenol, which is considered safe as well. Although none of these procedures, the surgery and CT scan, are something that are recommended for pregnant women, they are not directly harmful on a large scale either.

And God shielded these precious babies. They came up on the ultrasound screen, wiggling and kicking. Hearts beating perfectly. Dancing for us because, at the time, we couldnt! We heard their precious heartbeats loud and clear, for the first time! Seeing and hearing are so different! They were still oblivious as to what had occurred, and yet they are already fighters; fighters that have won a battle that few in the medical profession would consider even a possibility!

They are miracles!

To God be the glory, great things he has done!
Praise the Lord. Praise the Lord
Let the earth hear His voice!

"for i know the plans i have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11