Kindermusik

I'm so far behind on pictures. Well...I actually don't have that many pictures to post. I've been a tad out of commission! But I'm going backwards...basically, Kindermusik Halloween and the beach. That's it! Yes, I'm so jealous of people's beautiful fall pictures. Yes, I wish I had some of my own from the mountains. BUT...I'm here typing, right? Thankful!

Addie and I have been attending a Kindermusik class with Mandy and Cady for a few months now. The whole concept of the class is movement with music. I've been amazed at Addie's new found ability to keep the beat when she dances now or claps. I really think it has a lot to do with this class! And it's always fun for Mandy and me to get to spend a little time together and enjoy watching the girls interact. They are such sweet friends!

We missed the trunk or treat at our church and few parties with friends, but we're hoping to make it down to a local college for a fall festival this afternoon. We'll see!

So enough words...

Not my best set of pictures; but I was still sporting 35 staples, which meant I had a tad harder time maneuvering myself! So don't look at them too closely...or they'll blur!

Our little kitty cat!

And how cute that Cady was a dog! We hadn't even talked about it!

This is Addie's teacher. She was so sweet to do some of the lifting and movement with Addie because I couldn't!

Mandy was so sweet to help with Addie too! We've both learned a lot about having two kids...and carrying them at the same time! You can see how much heavier Addie is though!

This isnt' the greatest picture, but I LOVE it because Cady's turning around to find her friend and make sure she's ok! Sweet friends!

Their sweet little class. Look at all the animals! Duck, dog, cat, rooster, ladybug, peacock, and lion. But you cant forget the AU football player and the adorable little girl in the poodle skirt and glasses!

So what were your kids for Halloween?

Beach pictures to come...sometime soon!

The Third Baby...our second loss

..and a second chance.

I had a bad reaction to the loss of our first child. I was mad and angry with God. He knew how long we'd been trying to conceive. He knew how much we wanted that baby. But he said wait. And I was furious! So that's why I see this as a second chance. A second chance to react. A second chance to be thankful for the conception and birth of Addie. A second chance to be thankful for the conception of these twins. A second chance to hope and a second chance to grieve.

I lay awake a long time last night. I've thrown up for 3 days straight, so I decided to take a pain pill before bed in an attempt to calm my entire body down. It worked. No nausea. No gagging. Relatively little discomfort. Lots of time to think. I guess when you've slept 5 hours during the day for the past three days, sleep doesn't come as quickly.

So I lay there thinking about a lot of things. I finally had time to think about this precious third baby that we found out we had one minute and lost the next. It's been a little overshadowed by my surgery, the twins survival, and our wild and loving child. So in my reflective state, I decided I pretty much had a 4 step reaction to this; and the first two were in matter of seconds!

1. Disbelief. triplets. oh. my. word. we could have had THREE babies all at once. three car seats. three baby beds. they don't make good triplet strollers. i've looked. and I only have two arms! oh. my. word.
2. Devastation. We know that life begins at conception. We are adamantly against abortion and even selective reduction. I don't consider what we did an abortion or selective reduction. We didn't really have a choice here. Our third baby was already gone before the surgery. I guess I see the surgery as a necessity for me to continue living. I was given 2 hours to live without it. But this baby was very much alive at one point. It may not have been as big as our other two, but I'm certain it had a beating heart, fingers and toes, and tried hard to wiggle around. I don't believe that we made the choice to take this baby. I believe God did. He gives and He takes away. I don't have to understand it; I just have to make the choice to accept it. But it's a grief process none the less, because in all reality, we just lost a second baby.
3. Reflection: What are you doing to me and where were the warning signs? I tried really hard to come up with a one word reaction here. It didn't happen. I've had so many people question why my doctors and nurses didn't find this. Why didn't they even bother to look at my tubes? Well...because until that Friday night, there were no warning signs. I had two healthy babies in my uterus. I mean, I had a pulling pain here and there; but nothing extreme. It could all be explained away with ligament stretching or babies growing. My only hint was that my morning sickness was getting worse. We'd spent the weekend before at the beach with my dad and his wife. From the time we arrived Friday until we left Sunday, there was a marked difference in how I felt. I think they even noticed. I spent all day that Monday in the bed; but after that, I seemed to recover...until Friday night! It's hard for me to comprehend that this baby almost took my life. I'm not angry about it. I'm more thankful to God for saving my life and the twins than anything. Amazing miracles. I don't blame my doctors and nurses for not looking for it. They had no reason to. But at the same time, I keep looking back trying to find warning sign...and there really were none.
   
4. Relief. This may sound strange, but it's where I am right now. I don't know if this baby suffered. I firmly believe that babies can sense and feel things in utero. You should see ours reacting to the pressure of an ultrasound on my belly at a mere 11 weeks! Amazing! I pray this baby didn't suffer. I hope whatever happened, happened instantly. I think it probably did, given how quickly I got so violently ill. The pressure or force of the rupture nicked an artery that runs close to the fallopian tubes. That's why I bled so quickly and so much. But back to my point here. How could I feel relief? Because I know where this baby is now. He's in heaven, with our first child we lost. It took me a long time to get to this point with our first child. They've both been made perfect, escaping the imperfections of this world in which we live. Part of me considers him blessed. But that doesn't stop the sadness that I certainly still feel having never had the privilege to meet him. Yes, him. But I will one day, and I can't wait!
   

So these are my thoughts. Deep or shallow, here they are. I think it's fair to say that I deserved a little time to process all of this, given the circumstances. I won't say I'm ready to talk about it, but at least I'm processing it. I don't know why any of this happened. But I don't consider it a mystery. I don't necessarily understand it, but I consider it part of God's amazing plan for our lives. He's known this from the start. He's got it all under control. And I can't help but find comfort instead of confusion in that!

Moses answered the people, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today ... the LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still" Exodus 14:13-14

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 2 Corinthians 2: 3-4

#Quick Update 2#

My friend Mandy (who, by the way, carted both girls back and forth to MMO yesterday in the rain! thank you so much!!!) recently updated her blog with a quick list of what has been happening in their lives. It was short, succinct, to the point and way easy to read!

So here's my much wordier attempt at that:

1. Food is not my friend. After an entire day of trying to find me something to eat because I lost my dinner last night, my aunt finally boiled some red potatoes, peeled them, and mashed them with butter and salt. They are gone. I then made the mistake of making the yummiest milk shake with fresh strawberries this afternoon. It did not stay down. :/ My new staples: eggs, cheese toast, mashed potatoes, and chicken broth from cans of chicken and stars soup. Whatever works, right?
2. My aunt, my mom's sister, otherwise known around here as Nana, is amazing. She met us here last Wednesday when we got home from the hospital in TN. In her words, we were in bad shape. She gave my mom a break. She stayed with my mom and worked like an I don't know what over here until Saturday morning, but I hardly knew she was here. She came back Tuesday to help me with Addie that afternoon and today. This time she came with a pot roast, turkey chili, spaghetti with whole wheat pasta, and twice baked potatoes...oh, and this corn bread that she supposedly "messed up" but tasted so yummy to me, and she's about to make more of it!!! She kept Addie for me this morning while I slept. She's done laundry and not dried what we don't dry. She's entertained a 19 month old and kept a very finicky pregnant woman semi-full. That last one is the biggest accomplishment of the week I believe. Thank you Nana for coming and quietly serving our family! We love you!
3. Addie knows that if she hits, it's straight to time-out. One warning, not two, will land her there. She gets frustrated. I'm ok with that. I get frustrated. I'm ok if she screams or cries a little, but if she hits one of us or an animal, it's time-out. So now she hits herself. She'll bop herself upside the back of the head when she's mad. So what do we do with that...?
4. Our dog, Abigail, is bad. She's counter surfed one too many times. She's taken food right out of Addie's hands one too many times. And she weaseled her way into getting two dinners last night, both complete with pumpkin (that's part of her diet)! Argh. We already have two kids, and we're adding two more. Help us!
5. Pregnancy isn't pretty. I got rid of the majority of the morning sickness I had after the surgery. We really think it had to do with the ectopic pregnancy putting so much pressure on my tube. But I'm still nauseous. I gag at the drop of a hat. At one point, I was taking eight pills (along with a prenatal vitamin, baby aspirin and my progesterone shot). I took only two this morning. That's an accomplishment. I hate taking so much, and I'm thankful I can cut it down so significantly already.
   
6. My incision is healing. It doesn't hurt half as much when I suddenly sneeze anymore.
   
7. God is good. All the time. We continue to thank Him for each new day! He always provides. Always protects. And we praise His name on the good days and the hard ones!

Happy Wednesday.

The Very Best Medicine

I was talking with a friend recently about how hard it is for me not to be able to care for Addie. The morning sickness sort of eased me into this, but at least I could pick her up then. No more.

Don't get me wrong...when I was in the hospital, Addie was in the best of care with my mom and Paul. A whole lotta love and consistency. That's what she needed then and that's exactly what she got!

Since we've been home, we've kept her with people she sees on at least a weekly basis: Mandy and Cady, DiDi, my mom, or with us. It's paid off. I felt selfish at first about it; but watching her turn back into our happy, fairly easy going, energetic little girl has been worth it! She's obeying more. She's throwing far fewer tantrums. She responds to us like she used to.

And for her resilience, I am grateful.

But it doesnt make it any easier that I can't bend over and pick her up. I can't sit on the edge of the tub and bathe her. I haven't changed a diaper in over a week, probably longer (ok, so I haven't missed that!). And worst of all, I cant go scoop her up out of the bed and cuddle with her.

But she's the very best medicine. She gets me up in the morning by running in and yelling Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Hi, Mommy! She demands to get Up! on the bed and then promptly demands to see my Owie! Owie! More owie! Then she blows on it? She hasn't had enough owies in her short life to know that you blow on them...but she does! Sweet thing. And then she promptly finds a way off the bed, sometimes landing on her bottom on the floor exclaiming, Whoa, Addie! (where'd she get that?)

I listened to her read herself a book tonight: Millie Moo. Baby jibber jabber followed by an elephant sound. Baby jibber jabber followed by a monkey sound. Baby jibber jabber followed by a bear sound. Baby jibber jabber followed by a fish sound. Baby jibber jabber followed by something I couldn't understand. Baby jibber jabber followed by Moooooooo! She's started reading an opposite book: up/down, young/old, short/long, day/night, awake/sleep, and wet/dry. My mom taught her that. I cannot lie. She came to the hospital reading it! I mean, clearly, I know she's not reading...but she is!

And it's hard because all I can do is watch. But I'm thankful. Because I can watch. And she can crawl up in my lap and wake me up in the morning. And she still has a mommy!

And for that, I am thankful. God is good. He keeps providing for our family over and over again. Financially. Care for me and Addie. Food and more food! Flexibility with Paul's job. We are so blessed and so thankful!

And besides Addie being the very best medicine, we have these little ones:

Who you can hardly see on these ultrasounds...but their heartbeats were perfect. Little hands rubbing a face. Wiggling like little fish. Legs kicking. Healthy. Little. Miracles!

And the incision no longer matters. And the fact that I hate food right now doesn't matter. And not being able to hold Addie no longer matters. Because all of that is temporary.

But our family will forever be the very best medicine!

--------------------------------------------

A few quick praises and prayer requests:

• Praise! My staples are out! I feel so much...more flexible? I don't know. They were holding me together pretty tightly, so I can move (and sleep) easier! Now I'm being held together by tape...reassuring, huh? (oh, and the 2 layer of sutures under the skin!)
  
• Praise! Addie and Paul both seem to be adjusting to this new normal, slowly but surely.
• Praise! For God's provisions! Period. All of them!
• Request: continued rest for all of us. This last week took it flat out of our family. God has provided me with a lot of rest, but Paul really needs some down time. Pray that he will have some in the next few days!
• Request: continued health of the twins. They look fabulous right now, but we are all too aware of the possibilities of problems due to my emergency or just for twins in general. Please pray for full term, healthy babies!

Thank you all again for your sweet words of encouragement and many prayers! God has used each one of you in mighty ways to minister to our family in one way or another! Thank you for being His hands and a feet! Have a wonderful week!

H1N1

Given our most recent blog posts, this one probably seems somewhat out of the ordinary. I can assure you that it's not. This is something that has been on my mind for months now. What to do? Do I take the vaccine as a pregnant women? Do we chose to give it to Addie? What are the risks of the illness vs the risks of the vaccine?

I'm not anti-vaccinations. I know the staggering statistics of how easily these deadly diseases will reappear if too many refuse to vaccinate their children. I'm not a vaccination delayer either. Addie's my first though, and watching the huge number of vaccines that they give to our children at one time, I may opt for an additional visit or two to the pediatrician in order to spread some of these out with our next two kiddos. But I'm not here to start a vaccination debate...

I can tell you that I 1.) am no medical professional, 2.) don't have an answer, and 3.) am not here to tell you what to do or not do!

But we've talked to several medical professionals about the H1N1 vaccine specifically: my fertility doctor, twice; my regular OB; and Addie's pediatrician.

One thing we know for sure is that we will not be taking for ourselves or giving Addie the nasal version of this vaccine, F1uMist, even though it does not contain thimerosal/mercury. The reason being: it's a live virus. All single dose versions of the vaccine, which are apparently the ones given to children, are thimerosal/mercury free. I just wish I could find one for myself!

Another thing we know: I don't have much of a choice as to whether I take it or not. I'm pregnant. Now I'm pregnant with twins. And on top of that, I'm pregnant after emergency surgery. So to some extent, my immune system has been challenged.

I've read a lot of articles on this. Some of them were just pointless and told me nothing concrete. But I finally linked to one from a blog written by a fellow mother, Safe Mama, that seems to make the most sense. It's from the New York Times and you can find it here. It is very matter of fact vs. using scare tactics. The thing I found the most interesting was the comparison it made to children dying from the seasonal flu (last year) to the current numbers of children who have died from the H1N1 flu.

We all hear about washing our hands and keeping them away from our eyes and mouth. My mother-in-law sent us a great email about preventative measures. I've found the link to the article here. It not only had those duh things in it but some good points that I sure hadn't thought about as well.

We haven't decided whether to give this one to Addie or not. But I've pretty much been told, I'll have it. I am waiting until the end of my first trimester, which is soon!

Again, I'm not here to preach or tell you what to do or not to do. I would LOVE to know what you have decided to do about the seasonal flu vaccine and/or the H1N1 vaccine for yourself or your children...and even what brought you to that decision!!!

Hope you have a great week! Ours has certainly started off better than last week! :)

A week later...

As it is growing closer to midnight, I have started to remember where we were last weekend, what was going through my mind, the things we had no idea were to come, but peace that God gave us.

And I am thankful...

I'm thankful that I'll be asleep at 4am instead of being pumped full of fluids and at 5:30am instead of having a CT scan on my abdomen, praying that God will protect our babies.

I'm thankful to know that our triplet is in heaven with our Father, the Greatest Physician, who chose to save his mother's life.

I'm thankful to have come through a surgery virtually unscathed. Walked through the fire and come out unburned. Sure. I've got an incision...but really, in the whole grand scheme of things...wow. God is so good.

I am thankful to be alive.

I'll be honest with you. I'm not ready to talk about our 3rd baby, the one we found out we had one minute and only seconds later that we had lost. Besides with Paul and maybe a close friend or two, I can't talk about it. We so appreciate your prayers and words of encouragement; but for me, I don't need to know how others are processing it right now. I know that sounds a little selfish, but it's just where I am. We're still so raw. It was our baby, mine and Paul's. We'll process it together. Slowly. In our time. In His time. Thank you for respecting that.

Bottom line, we now have 2 babies in heaven, 1 on earth, and 2 in my belly.

And I'm thankful for every. single. one.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior!
Isaiah 43: 2-3a