The Third Baby...our second loss

..and a second chance.

I had a bad reaction to the loss of our first child. I was mad and angry with God. He knew how long we'd been trying to conceive. He knew how much we wanted that baby. But he said wait. And I was furious! So that's why I see this as a second chance. A second chance to react. A second chance to be thankful for the conception and birth of Addie. A second chance to be thankful for the conception of these twins. A second chance to hope and a second chance to grieve.

I lay awake a long time last night. I've thrown up for 3 days straight, so I decided to take a pain pill before bed in an attempt to calm my entire body down. It worked. No nausea. No gagging. Relatively little discomfort. Lots of time to think. I guess when you've slept 5 hours during the day for the past three days, sleep doesn't come as quickly.

So I lay there thinking about a lot of things. I finally had time to think about this precious third baby that we found out we had one minute and lost the next. It's been a little overshadowed by my surgery, the twins survival, and our wild and loving child. So in my reflective state, I decided I pretty much had a 4 step reaction to this; and the first two were in matter of seconds!

1. Disbelief. triplets. oh. my. word. we could have had THREE babies all at once. three car seats. three baby beds. they don't make good triplet strollers. i've looked. and I only have two arms! oh. my. word.
2. Devastation. We know that life begins at conception. We are adamantly against abortion and even selective reduction. I don't consider what we did an abortion or selective reduction. We didn't really have a choice here. Our third baby was already gone before the surgery. I guess I see the surgery as a necessity for me to continue living. I was given 2 hours to live without it. But this baby was very much alive at one point. It may not have been as big as our other two, but I'm certain it had a beating heart, fingers and toes, and tried hard to wiggle around. I don't believe that we made the choice to take this baby. I believe God did. He gives and He takes away. I don't have to understand it; I just have to make the choice to accept it. But it's a grief process none the less, because in all reality, we just lost a second baby.
3. Reflection: What are you doing to me and where were the warning signs? I tried really hard to come up with a one word reaction here. It didn't happen. I've had so many people question why my doctors and nurses didn't find this. Why didn't they even bother to look at my tubes? Well...because until that Friday night, there were no warning signs. I had two healthy babies in my uterus. I mean, I had a pulling pain here and there; but nothing extreme. It could all be explained away with ligament stretching or babies growing. My only hint was that my morning sickness was getting worse. We'd spent the weekend before at the beach with my dad and his wife. From the time we arrived Friday until we left Sunday, there was a marked difference in how I felt. I think they even noticed. I spent all day that Monday in the bed; but after that, I seemed to recover...until Friday night! It's hard for me to comprehend that this baby almost took my life. I'm not angry about it. I'm more thankful to God for saving my life and the twins than anything. Amazing miracles. I don't blame my doctors and nurses for not looking for it. They had no reason to. But at the same time, I keep looking back trying to find warning sign...and there really were none.
   
4. Relief. This may sound strange, but it's where I am right now. I don't know if this baby suffered. I firmly believe that babies can sense and feel things in utero. You should see ours reacting to the pressure of an ultrasound on my belly at a mere 11 weeks! Amazing! I pray this baby didn't suffer. I hope whatever happened, happened instantly. I think it probably did, given how quickly I got so violently ill. The pressure or force of the rupture nicked an artery that runs close to the fallopian tubes. That's why I bled so quickly and so much. But back to my point here. How could I feel relief? Because I know where this baby is now. He's in heaven, with our first child we lost. It took me a long time to get to this point with our first child. They've both been made perfect, escaping the imperfections of this world in which we live. Part of me considers him blessed. But that doesn't stop the sadness that I certainly still feel having never had the privilege to meet him. Yes, him. But I will one day, and I can't wait!
   

So these are my thoughts. Deep or shallow, here they are. I think it's fair to say that I deserved a little time to process all of this, given the circumstances. I won't say I'm ready to talk about it, but at least I'm processing it. I don't know why any of this happened. But I don't consider it a mystery. I don't necessarily understand it, but I consider it part of God's amazing plan for our lives. He's known this from the start. He's got it all under control. And I can't help but find comfort instead of confusion in that!

Moses answered the people, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today ... the LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still" Exodus 14:13-14

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 2 Corinthians 2: 3-4